Resentment or Resolution?

Resentment is one of the most prevalent emotions in blended families, and it can crop up many times. Resentment occurs when we do not establish proper boundaries and feel misused or taken advantage of. Blended families are at a high risk for this because there are people outside of the marriage who seem to have control. I say, "They seem to have control" because you can either allow this or not. Discussion and communication with your spouse about how you feel and what you can tolerate is essential—for instance, last-minute schedule changes concerning the children. To the biological parent in this relationship, that is their child, and they want their child 24/7, so why is it such an issue for you when the child can come over, even if it is unannounced or unplanned? To you, the non-biological parent, you see it as a violation of your rights and partnership and that you are not a co-decision maker. The decision for the child to come over has been decided by a 3rd party outside the relationship, the other biological parent. This can make you feel like an outsider and that you have no respect or control over your life.

This particular situation can cause resentment because you feel put between a rock and a hard place. If you throw a fit and say no, you look like the bad guy who doesn't care about your stepchild and your partner getting to spend time together. If you say yes under the pressure of this guilt, even when you were not prepared for the visit or it inconveniences the rest of the family, you feel resentment. Proper boundaries in blended families are a necessity if the marriage is going to work. Communication and compromise are also important. The resolution to this situation could be explaining to your partner that when there are last-minute changes to the schedule without your input, you feel disrespected and flustered, and could they assist you in ensuring that these instances are few and far between and that you have no problem in planning ahead or deciding ahead together upon extra time or days for them and their child to have more time together. In loving relationships, the marriage should be most important, and a compromise should be sought.