Retroactive Jealousy

The term retroactive jealousy was one that I had never used or heard until we started trying to blend our families. Oh yes, I had experienced it before just never to that level or degree nor had it ever lasted so long. I am not proud of my experience with retroactive jealousy and after discussion with my spouse, we realized that we both experienced it to differing degrees. Having realized that it affected both of us and way more in our blended marriage than previous relationships, I feel it is important to discuss in this blog.

Retroactive jealousy is jealous, irrational, intense and negative feelings about your partners past. This can include past relationships, past decisions, and past experiences. Fixation or replaying your partner's history in your head. Searching or looking at old photos of them with other people or trying to find out what old romantic partners looked like, acted like, or past activities they did together. These feelings can cause increased discomfort or anxiety whenever previous experiences before your relationship are brought up in conversations. These experiences may be brought up by step-kids, your spouse, or your spouse's friends and family that knew them and their past relationships.

These memories can make you feel insecure, angry, and left out. Low self esteem can contribute to this and many times low self esteem is the wonderful gift left by our previous partner especially if we were cheated on in our previous relationships. I have to say that my husband and mine's retroactive jealousy was not fixed overnight. As a matter of fact there are times that it still crops up and must be dealt with again.

Remind yourself that you also have a past that does not include your now current parent and acknowledge that everyone has a past and that you are going to make lots of new memories with your partner that will replace the old ones. Challenge your negative thoughts and journal about any issues. Be realistic and discuss issues with your partner. Remember that no one can change their past and there are things in your past that more than likely bother your partner. Focus on things that you can control. Focusing on things that you can't control will just make you frustrated and depressed. Think about new moments and events that you have created together and more that you want to create. Communicate with one another when these feelings occur so that you can support one another and make each other feel safe and secure in your current relationship.

Over time as your relationship deepens and becomes more secure the new memories and trust will overlay the jealousy and help keep those feelings at bay. Remember the past is no longer a reality. The present is all that is real currently so live in each moment. Also remember that even if there were good moments and memories in the past that somewhere the bad outweighed the good and that your partner has no desire to go back to those times or memories. Most of us if given the opportunity would not return to our past even if it meant getting to be with loved ones who are gone, because we know it would not be the same and that things would change eventually.

Live in the moment! God has given you both this new place, new life, and new relationship. He is the author and King of making new things. "Behold, I make all things new" Revelation 21:5. God removes our past when we repent and turn to Him, so move forward in your new relationship and forget the past.